Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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