she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
