How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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