No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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