Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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