I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
