just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You pole danced in your parka.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
