I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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