I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
