Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
