saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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