I'm drive I can fine osifer
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
