Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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