I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
