Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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