pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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