My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
