he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize