I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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