Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
