I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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