My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
