we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
