I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
