After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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