please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
