apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You dont lie about slip and slides
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
