glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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