you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
