I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
