i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
