Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
