i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize