If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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