I met the friendliest cop last night
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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