Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
