so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
