I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
