I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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