Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
