I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
