what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
