the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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