FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
