My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize