if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
