I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
