Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
