I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
