Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
