Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
