WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
