remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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