Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
