Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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