Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
