What a fucking waste of an outfit
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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