omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Randomize
