while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
