cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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