I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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