The maid of honor just puked.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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