So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize