I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
